Why can't I shake it?

I'm struggling to trust myself that the gentleman I just said farewell to is not you.

There are so many things that say he is not...like he is curious about spanking...that's a big piece of it...while he claims to be Dominant, I don't get the sense it has manifested in him the way I envision.

But is there something in the fact that I have this very well defined idea of what Dominance should look like that is limiting me and closing me off to other options? Closing me off to you?

Good grief that is a mistake I just don't want to make, a lesson I don't want to learn the hard way!

He thinks he would like sharing in the context of a LTR...but he's never done it. I feel like you've done this before and know you are wildly turned on by it. What if he did it and hated it? He claims to know himself well enough to know what he wants.

But I look at him and all the things that nag at me saying he could be you...and I pick them apart and look at all the reasons why he doesn't fit with my mental diagram of you...and I push him away.

I think about my fears and my doubts and I question if they are clouding my judgement.

Will I ever be able to see you?

Will I pick you apart and push you away?

Will you grow exhausted and frustrated and move on?

I wrote about it earlier when I wrote about fear...I don't think you would do that. I think you'd push on through...but I never told him about those fears. We never got that far. If he was you, I kept my fears to myself to keep that weapon away from him...that ability to rationalize me out of them.

But he was only curious about spanking...so he can't possibly be you. Can he?

Of course not...

Then why does he keep nagging at me and facelessly tormenting my dreams?