Two years?

I can't believe it's been nearly two years since I've written to you on here.

I had been writing on fet and though I've taken it all down, I've saved it.

I've been beating myself for the time I wasted on the mirage when I could have been looking for you.

Today was the first day I acknowledged the possibility that had never occurred to me in the two years prior to my last writing.

Maybe YOU have your own fears and your own self-sabbotaging behavior holding you back.

Maybe YOU gave up long ago.

Maybe YOU can't believe in me anymore. Maybe you don't want to.

I'm not sure where that leaves me.

I'm not sure how to know what is real.

Do I keep chasing a fantasy?

Do I accept I found you and you don't want me?

At least the later would offer me relief from the guilt of having wasted my time.

But I as I read back over everything I've written, I worry I am just trying to find a way to take the easy way out so I can avoid the risk of feeling this pain and disappointment again.

Maybe it is all too fresh still.