The Void

It's funny, I've been thinking lately how the absence of something I can conceive of is more painful than the nothingness of the void I was in before...when I believed you were oh so out of reach.

I hate the feelings I feel.

I hate feeling loneliness.

I hate feeling not good enough. What would it feel like to feel chosen and good enough? I can't even fathom.

I hate feeling distrusted, despite the brutal and consistent honesty I demonstrate in all situations.

I hate feeling desperate. Seeing myself willing to do things just to try and fill my life with something that would take the edge off the pain...at least for a little while.

I hate trying to pretend I'm indifferent, just to try and give myself a moment's reprieve from the longing.

I hate feeling weak.

I knew how to exist in the void of nothingness. I'd become accustom to that isolation which didn't reek of loneliness.

Now that I've conceived you...now that I've touched "almost"...everything hurts.

But it occurs to me as I write that...maybe it's not that I've touched "almost"...maybe it is you but just as it has been my entire life, I am truly not good enough to be worth choosing.

Why is that so much easier to believe?