Pondering

I'd say it was funny but in actuality, it's probably sad.

I was re-reading some of the writing I had done when I was in my best true D/s relationship 21 years ago and was struck by the struggle then and how it is still the same struggle to an extent today.

I think about that relationship and I think about you and I ponder how to make sure it is different.

People often ask me...if Michael and I were so sexually compatible, why did it end?

There are so many reasons...my youth, my lack of appreciation for how truly special and exceptional what we had was, my lack of care in our relationship and lack of understanding how to navigate a lifestyle that was so very new to me. It also ended because of his lack of acceptance of the rest of my life and our divergent life goals and being at different places in our life in general. There was a 20 year age difference and that makes for a lot of life experiences he'd had that I couldn't relate to and an immaturity on my part that I believe he'd not fully accounted for.

But now, at around the age he was when we were together, I am able to look back on who I was then and who I am now. So much has changed...my ability to understand and appreciate and use greater care is certainly a given but at the same time, the struggles I had then with trying to control and influence to get what I want I can imagine being very much the same...if not worse...given my professional development and the role I play there.

I wonder how you are going to help me take off that persona at the door and not use those attributes that I spend the majority of my time leaning on in order to get what I want professionally when it comes to you and our relationship. I think my ability to have awareness of this challenge will help but I know enough to understand I won't be able to self-moderate to the extent I know I will need to in order to please you and I'll need your correction and patience in that.

I was tempted to ask if you'd be willing to do that...to give me the correction I needed and the patience to understand the difficulty I will have in relinquishing that power and control that are such a huge part of my life outside of our relationship...yet I knew the answer right away which was that of course you will...because you are you.