Mistakes

I try to treat every "mistake" in life as a learning...unfortunately, sometimes the best way to learn is by doing something stupid or falling on your face. I'd hoped by the time I got to this age I'd be over it but...clearly not...and sometimes, we have to repeat our errors in different iterations to fully grasp the lessons.

I have spent a lot of time kicking myself for staying in the job I just left for as long as I did. I have been in bad situations before and had allowed them to manifest in me physically...at least I was able to avoid that this time...but I definitely felt depression and hopelessness in ways that were so unnecessary.

It is hard for me to recognize value in myself...I sort of need that external validation. I wasn't getting ANY of that and so I began to doubt the value I believed in that brought me here in the first place.

I remember when I resigned and sent out just a hand full of feelers to contacts I had worked with in the past. The enthusiastic, almost immediate response from all of them was so vindicating...yet also gave me that immediate, painful reminder that I'd suffered needlessly for far too long because I forgot my value.

I hope this lesson taught me once and for all to believe in myself. I hate the idea of being seen as someone arrogant or conceited and so I tend to shy away from anything that looks like it but confidence is different and I need to own my value because it is real...it's not something I'm feigning out of insecurity or to make other people feel small...I'm truly great at what I do and there is nothing shameful about people valuing that highly.

I'll need you to help me remember that. I know this is something you'll have a great command over in your own life and hopefully you can teach me how to be comfortable in it.

As I think of my discomfort in it, I am brought back to my mother...the underhanded digging comments about how much I spend on shampoo or my dream mattress...yet not batting an eye when I give her a very nice car because hers is falling apart and I have others.

There is a lot of work I need to do when it comes to her, her influence hits me in many ways, despite how long I've been away from her...and her influence isn't a healthy one.