If I know better...

...why do I do this to myself?

I remember driving up the street, just past the intersection at First heading toward home...talking to RV...one of those early, rare phone conversations...and talking about pulling away because I could feel myself feeling too much...

And him telling me, "I'm not going to stop. You're a big girl and if you can't handle it, you have to decide that." (or something to that effect).

And of course...as usual...I tell myself I can handle it...because somehow KNOWING he's inaccessible is supposed to keep it from hurting so bad when it has to end...even though that is the inevitable, known outcome...as he highlighted today.

I've been able to keep from developing feelings for TH...I truly think of him as a friend...with benefits.

RV and I have something different.

Part of me reluctantly acknowledges that, to have you and give you what you deserve, things with RV and I will have to end eventually...unless he is you?

I've always envisioned you looking for me too and recognizing me when you saw me and us removing any and all barriers that would otherwise keep us apart.

I have always thought of those barriers as location and distance...never other people. Is that just my stupidity?

I don't know my love, all I can say is that I love him and right now, today, in this moment...I want him to be you.