Finances

The first LTR I was in, we intermeshed our finances.

We had one bank account. We earned fairly equal amounts of money and each came into the relationship with a bit of a savings. However, his needs and the cost of his hobbies far outpaced his income and overtook mine and so while he was buying hunting equipment and going on elaborate hunting trips, I was sitting home.

I actually sold all of my musical instruments in order to fund a hunting trip for him at one point.

I am a people pleaser.

The next LTR I was in, we didn't intermesh our finances but my partner had a lot of opinions about what I should do with my money...and a lot of it involved things that ultimately benefited him. I should buy a new car, he would let his get repossessed and then we could just share a car and "we'd save" however much a month...but given our finances weren't intermeshed...he saved.

I am a people pleaser.

The next LTR I was in, I made more money than my partner. When we wanted to go do things, he often didn't have the funds but I did...so I'd end up paying...or we simply couldn't do things. It created a very icky feeling in the relationship because I didn't want to be the one providing/supporting us financially.

But, I am a people pleaser.

The last LTR I was in, we kept everything very separate. I still made more than him and I approached it as..."I'm going to do what I want and not expect anything in return...I know that means I'll do more but I'm sure he'll do what he can." Which was a joke...because I put forward 100% and he put forward 5%.

The model that my child and their significant other have adopted is one where they each have their own accounts and then they have a shared account as well. They each put into the joint account the same amount for their living expenses and then an equal set amount for their "mutual fun" like dinners out together, vacations, etc. But when they are going for coffee for themselves, they use their personal funds or buying clothes or other things they want for themselves personally or gifts they want to give to the other.

They've had times where one or the other of them is "short" and they help one another out...but there is an acknowledgement and a balance that is maintained and boundaries they've set and parameters they've agreed to.

I don't know what will work for us but I know I need to feel like we are at the very least equally invested financially.

I'm sorry you get the somewhat bitter version of me on that front...and what I suspect will be even worse, is that I won't even know how to function as an equal and will be fighting my instincts to give above and beyond. Have patience with me.