Filters

Written over several days and transitions...

It's hard to write now that I am feeling like I may have found you...thinking you might be reading this.

I feel the temptation to filter things and keep my thoughts to myself.

But, if this is a false alarm, I feel remiss in not sharing my journey to you.

I'm very conflicted...about the writing and about JC.

My initial inclination was very strong. The ease of the conversation and feeling like I'd known him forever and we were just reaffirming everything we already knew to be true about one another...sexually...was powerful...and as I shared with RV recently, it moved me to tears that next morning after our first conversation.

But I feel like every conversation since has been a repeat of that first conversation. We've established the salient points of the sexual compatibility and his sexual fantasies and preferences very clearly...the rehashing it over and over makes me feel like maybe that is all there is, which would be disappointing.

I love to be shared with other men...but I don't want to do it every day.

I love to fuck and suck...but there will be days when I don't want to do that either.

When I ask someone about their life, I hope at least, for some sort of reciprocal interest...instead it feels like I'm being indulged and tolerated in my non-sexual chatter...waiting for the ability to steer the conversation back...to sex.

I have asserted myself in my ask for those non-sexual discussions but they feel forced and contrived.

Which I've found to lessen the impact of the sexual conversations as well.

During our last conversation (before he became ill), it was clear to me in the ongoing articulation of his fantasies, he is not you.

The fantasies speak of a life that part of me would enjoy and part of me would rebel against. The reality is that, just as RV is not a trained Dom, I am not a trained submissive.

My submission is in the form of my attitude and disposition, not in my being in service mode at all times and at your constant sexual beck-and-call regardless of my mental or emotional state.

I'd like to think you'd be able to read me and respect me, just as I believe I'll be able to read you and respect you. I'll see when you're craving me and that alone will get me in the mood.