Fear is Everywhere

I find myself reading yet another book highlighting the phenomenon of fear in my life.

From the reckless, impulsive decisions I made as I stood on the cusp of being completely debt free and having the life I'd professed to want for years to the temptation to remain in a profession that brings me so little joy.

I think back on relationships I've had. The fear in those was palpable. The early love that I feared I wasn't good enough for...I feared his rejection. The love that helped me escape a future that I was terrified of, only to isolate me in a relationship of blame and self-loathing that I was afraid to contest...until I wasn't. The relationship that was almost everything...that I feared investing in for fear that the loss would kill me, fear that I didn't deserve that level of happiness. The relationship I moved into that was mentally stimulating but nothing more...for fear of disappointment. The relationship I stayed in for years out of fear of being alone. Then the fear that kept me out of relationships for fear of being judged, disappointed, rejected, misunderstood, or worse...happy, dependent, and having something I was fearful of losing.

I'm afraid of striking out and undertaking my grand plans for fear of being judged, for fear of having to hide parts of myself, for fear of failure, for fear of resentment because my success would fly in the face of the excuses of those close to me.

I fear confronting the most toxic relationship in my life because I fear the guilt.

I realize, maybe now more than ever, how I must overcome these fears. This is something I have to learn to do on my own before we can be together. I don't want to depend on you that way and I need to be able to be with you without fear...or at least with a way to rationally manage my fear...of losing you once we find one another.

You deserve a woman of fearlessness and I want to be that for you.

I look forward to finding you on the other side of this endeavor. I will certainly look forward to you helping me manage my phobias of spiders, stairs you can see through, and deer while driving in the dark...which I categorize differently than fears. Having you to ease those discomforts is a welcome visualization.

What are your fears or phobias? How can I help?