Dreaming fears

I had a dream last night and I was so happy I recognized it for what it was...

I feel guilt and shame about my sexuality because at various points in time, I've allowed the negative judgments to penetrate my psyche.

I was with a very confident guy who was into sharing when I was still in high school. Which made me the negative/high school judgement version of a slut. That sticks with you.

I went from that high school relationship into another high school relationship with a very insecure guy who was somehow threatened by the fact that I'd "done those things" with someone else and felt like he had something to prove I guess? I don't know.

So he decided to share me with a friend, even though he didn't really want to...even though I could have cared less...and then proceeded to blame me for the entire encounter for years after and make me feel guilty for enjoying what he'd asked me to do.

I think those early, negative connotations to my slutty sexuality were not constructive.

Then later, when I came to understand my submissive nature and I was SO excited to finally "get it", my mother was so horribly belittling and unsupportive I felt humiliated and small. (Now I realize I should have expected as much but I hadn't figured that out yet.)

So I came to believe that:

-If a guy wants to share me with his friends either a) he's using me and doesn't really give a shit about me b) I'm just a disgusting slut who has no self-respect c) it's a trap and I'm going to pay for it later when he changes his mind and resents me for enjoying it

-There is something fundamentally "wrong" with me for wanting to subject myself to pain to demonstrate my committment to someone

-I'm reckless and stupid and am "wasting" my life/mind/body

So, as I start to try to breath life and hope back into my sexuality and start opening myself to the true possibility that maybe I can be who I am, be whole, and be happy...I have a dream.

I dream that I am visiting a good friend of mine and two of my other dearest friends are there as well. But prior to my arrival I have arranged to sleep with my good friend's husband...in her house with her and her kids home.

The results of the dream were that the sex wasn't that great (I'm doing all this for nothing) and of course I hurt my friend (so I feel guilty) and my other friends...and other acquaintances who find out...are looking on me in disgust and passing judgement (there's the shame).

Negative talk in the form of "I shouldn't inflict my sexuality on the world" or "I can't be trusted with my sexuality" are phrases that I have told myself at various points before.

I'm sure last night was my subconscious trying to reinforce those messages, displaying this nightmare of a scenario to me as the kind of reckless, destructive thing I can expect if I go down this path.

And then I come back to...so why am I so scared? Why am I trying to talk myself out of happiness?

Oh yeah, because I'm really afraid that if I find it, I'll lose it, and I'll never recover.

Whatever are you going to do with me?