Could we survive today?

Today was such a blah, icky, yucky, bad day.

I was at work by 7:15 AM and I left at 8:15 PM...and tomorrow will be more of the same...and Saturday, and Monday, and Tuesday, and Wednesday.

And as much as I wish you were here so I could walk in the door and rest my head on your chest and have a hug and a cry...it dawned on my as I was having that little fantasy...trying not to cry because I have to be strong for myself...what if you didn't want to offer comfort but instead were angry?

I don't know what to do or how to put a relationship with you first above all else.

I want to believe that just like you'd enjoy watching other people having sex with me...that you'd enjoy knowing that respected people look to me for guidance, for my intelligence and skill. Sometimes, when dealing with the enterprises and people I deal with...I can't walk away...sometimes I have to temporarily sacrifice everything...even the person I least want to sacrifice.

I think I worry and want for you to be extremely successful too because I believe that if you are, you'll have to sacrifice me for your work sometimes as well. And maybe then I won't feel so guilty when I'm put in the position I am in right now...when I would be forced to sacrifice you...us.

You are someone others rely on for their livelihoods, someone who can create or invent something out of nothing, someone who is looked to for advice and consultation and expertise...however it is manifested...there is something intrinsic to who you are and your mind, something you have that others will need or envy, that they can't get anywhere else.

I will cherish that I get to have all of that magnificence you embody...forever. Even if sometimes it means you have to sacrifice me to be that person I admire and respect so very much.

Will you value my mind as much as you value my flesh? Will you cherish that driven successful part of me as much as you cherish the slut in me?

Please say you will. I will say it back.