Time

I'm hoping time away will allow my mind to quiet and get the perspective it so desperately needs my love.

Time to rebuild my broken down walls and defenses.

I continue contemplating the void. Contemplating not being chosen. Not being worthy of being chosen. Certainly not by you. Not now.

It is a recurring theme in my life.

I feel so weakened. So irrational. So adrift. So impulsive. So destructive. So resentful. So hurt. So worthless. So inadequate. So exhausted.

I'm safe when my mind overrules my heart, when I allow my heart to drive it's like driving a car at speed while drunk. The wreckage is inevitable and only visible after the journey is over.

I fear that, until I can sober up enough to get out of the car, you'll be elusive to me now.

Until I can shed my self-doubt and self-loathing, I will not be worthy of you...this I know my love. How could I ever expect you to love someone I despise so intensely right now.