Home

I was reading a story I wrote a lifetime ago about the very first time I'd ever been handled in scene.

I'd not read that story in a very, very long time.

There were references in there to feeling at home. There were also unique, fascinating perspectives and reactions to things experienced for the first time.

I think maybe it is necessary and essential to make that mistake. Of finding something that feels so right, failing to recognize it in the moment, only to realize it later and experience regretfulness at the loss. Maybe that is necessary to developing the appreciation necessary to hold on to it when you find it again. To be able to recognize it when you find it again.

I remember being with a man who had lost, who he believed to be, the love of his life. She'd left him and he was so heartbroken...though in the words he'd used to try and reclaim her...I could see he didn't actually love her...he loved the comfort of their life.

In that relationship, I could see with complete clarity, that I would not be with him. He was not Dominant for one but despite that, he needed to heal and that was my purpose. I knew I wasn't healing him for me...I was healing him for some other woman who would get to enjoy him in the future. I knew that early on and for every moment thereafter.

The great tragedy in Michael and I was that he'd had enough experiences and looked long enough that he knew what he wanted and recognized what we had. He was my first experience and I had no comprehension of the fortuitousness of our connection...it came to me by accident and I didn't realize how rare and precious it was. Those are lessons you can't explain to a 24 year old, they are lessons that must be learned the hard way.

Oh what a hard way it has been.

It is ironic actually, that I am now around the age Michael was when he met me at 24 and set a bar so high only you will be able to reach it.

I caused him great pain in my ignorant youth and I can see now, at this age and with the experiences I've had since, how vastly different our perspectives on that relationship were. If it were even possible for it to work the other way and I were to meet a 24 year old version of you...I would be heartbroken from the start knowing all the learning you'd have before you.

I am grateful to Michael for setting that bar high so that I've never been able to settle into something unhealthy or unfulfilling...so that I will recognize you when I see you.

I reference in that story a feeling of being home. A feeling I reference having had from the start. When I feel that feeling with you, I will recognize it. I believe that my fear of feeling a homeless void again will be enough to overcome my other fears that I have expressed worry over when it comes to you...to us.

I regret the pain I caused but I am grateful for the painful lessons it taught me. Without those lessons, you'd be forever lost to me but instead I do believe they will finally lead me to properly cherish being home with you and to overcome the many fears I've expressed.