Stand and Deliver

It is interesting for me to re-read this 21 years after it was written...it is unfortunate that I still struggle with the same challenge...I want to submit fully...in part because of all the responsibility I have in the non-sexual part of my life. Yet at the same time, that sense of responsibility and control I exhibit outside of the bedroom make it very hard for me to not try and exert that same control and influence in my romantic/sexual relationship because it's a skill that has served me so well professionally. It is very hard for me to separate the two.

I will be writing more about this as it has stimulated a great many thoughts.

Exerpt from my diary...

2000-09-11 - 02:23:51 am

I don't know what is wrong with me sometimes. I keep telling myself that I should just be happy with what Michael and I have and not worry about all the hardcore D/s stuff so much. I also KNOW that if we had everything we have now and he didn't have a riding crop in his closet, I would be insanely happy just with what we have in the relationship as it is! So, why does that whole other dimension seem to tear at my soul and make me cagey and yearning for more? I don't know. I think about it often. I never knew about the D/s stuff, I used to think that BDSM just meant Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, and Masochism. I never knew about submission as a form of sexuality. I have just existed as such, wandering around aimlessly, trying to give myself to anyone who seemed open to accepting...sometimes even trying to force it onto those who I thought I could convince to take it. Then I find Michael, who is not only wanting to take it, he knows all about it, he understands what touches me and turns me on and what I need to have in order to grow and thrive as a submissive woman. The biting, the hair pulling, the words whispered in my ear are incredible, they bring a flood of wetness everytime he employs them with me...but in my mind...there is more. I have known more in my fantasies and I experienced more with him in training...and it is that MORE that really eats at me.

When I started having sexual fantasies, I recall them being of a forceful nature...someone forcing me, coercing me, convincing me, or just telling me to do something. As I have matured...especially over the last two years...they have ALL revolved around that idea! There has been seldom a sexual fantasy which I have had that didn't involve some force, some bondage, some mystery, some pain. I found in myself that what made me feel stronger and more alive, was fantasizing about being weakened. There is so much responsibility in my life at the moment...with school, parenthood, the idea of getting my business off the ground, a new relationship, etc...there is a part of me that needs some area in my life where I am not responsible, where I can go and surrender myself and feel for a moment like I don't have to be in control, I don't have to be on top of things, I don't have to make sure it's all working out right. And yet, my intense desire for that freedom and release...is causing me to try and control it, causing me to try and force it into existance. And the fact is, I don't WANT to force it...I just can't seem to help myself.

I don't like that I whine to Michael about it, I know from experience that the more I complain, the more he pulls away. I don't want to drive him off I really just want to make him understand, even though deep down I know he DOES understand already. It makes me feel as though every time I open my mouth I cause a part of my mind and soul to reject the whole idea of submitting in the first place...it's as if I am spoiling the essence of it with my demands. And in some ways I am...and yet I can't seem to help myself. I lay awake at night and I try to go back to the fantasies I used for so long to get me through...the fantasies I employed before I really knew what I was, what I needed, what I REALLY craved. But they are somehow ruined for me now that I have had a taste of what Michael has shown me. As if they were never really what I desired...they were just all my tiny mind could come up with on it's own. Now that I realize there is something better, beyond my current grasp completely, but I know it is there. Now that I have had that realization,....maybe that is why I feel vacant!

This is an interesting point to ponder...I do feel as if my fantasies have disolved...they were never quite realistic...because I didn't think there was ever going to be anyone like Michael in the world. Now that I know he is there, that there is someone who can control, strike, possess, and dominate me...and at the same time love, cherish, value, and respect what he gets from me in doing it I want to go there even more. I want to thrive and flourish and become what I now idealize in my mind. I guess I have a hard time verbalizing that to Michael, I almost feel foolish pouring out the wanderings of my mind to him on this subject, especially as he says, since I have no real experience to work from. But that isn't the point about what I do or don't KNOW because that isn't what is warping me...it is my thoughts which are driving me insane and making me irrational, making me poison the very thing I wish to drink down completely.

So...as far as the feeling of me feeling empty, I think there is a part of me that is SOO afraid of losing him before I rediscover where I am at...that I will be left in the same sorry state I have been left in before...stripped away from myself and left standing with my heart tore open and exposed, feeling like an idiot for allowing it to happen. Part of me keeps telling myself that I just need to let go, to go along for the ride. Trust in Michael's experience and understanding. But part of me seems afraid. Another submissive once told me that if your Master didn't scare you, he wasn't doing his job. While I am not afraid of Michael's whip, I am learning his mental tool box is just as poignant.

Maybe it is my youth, my 90's mentality...I want it all, I want it now, and if I like it I want MORE! it's hard to say. It does bother me sometimes to hear Michael joke about "selfish submissives", but I do feel selfish when I mope about, yearning for his cock every moment we are together. I certainly realize there is more to our relationship than sex...but it doesn't keep me from wanting Michael every moment we are together. Some days I do better than others at keeping this in check.

Today I was doing OK, but not because I was trying. Our discussion from the night prior, my journaling, and then our discussion of that was weighing heavily on my soul. I felt an awkwardness with Michael that I had never felt before. I had a new sense of fear. That maybe he was growing tired of me. Maybe I had finally crossed a line with him. Maybe I had pushed the subject one too many times. Maybe he was going to look on me differently now. We had openly talked about the D/s aspect of our relationship several times....too many times...along with my constant, often overwhelmingly painful desire for the hard core D/s. Since meeting Michael I have read about it, I have heard his stories, I have felt the leather of his riding cross stinging across my ass and experienced emotions that I didn't know a human being was capable of feeling. Those feelings seem at times to be making me insane with desire. But I still felt a little embarrassed by my insolence the evening prior and I moved about his apartment with my tail between my legs. Hoping that he would understand and not look on me disapprovingly.

I could feel my posture trying to convey to him my remorse. I kept my head lowered and my eyes down. I felt almost as if I wasn't worthy of looking on him. I always feel foolish when I go on about my cravings...but sometimes my mouth moves before my intellect can step in and set things straight. Today I was making myself pay for that. I moved cautiously and spoke as politely as my willful spirit would allow! Don't get me wrong, Michael nevermakes me feel bad about my feelings, he knows I can't control them...I think the problem is that I FEEL bad that I make him go through listening to me whine. I feel like a disappointment as his slave when I question his motives and his techniques. I KNOW it isn't my place...and yet every time, my desire gets the better of me. I KNOW deep down that I AM being selfish. It is a characteristic I find most repulsive in others...and doubly so in myself.

So, when he said we were going to Costco, I agreed without protest. Even though he is well aware of my hatred for the cold, dismal warehouse! He came out of the bathroom and I was laying on his bed, I was afraid to look at him, I felt as if I would see rejection in his eyes. Even as he pet my hair so gently and lovingly, which he knows makes me feel completely cherished by him, I still feared he was angry. I just couldn't imagine him being otherwise.

I got up and went down stairs. I slid my sandles on, I hadn't planned well...It was raining out...I had on my "Don't touch" skirt and a little pink tank top which buttoned in the back where my bra would have been if I had been wearing one. It was kind of cold and a steady rain was falling. I had worn my fleece coat but I was still chilly as we went to the car. The drab day matched my mood well and seemed to feed my feelings of discontent with myself.

I drove out and we wandered through the store together. It was nice walking around, I was still being reserved and cautions but I was also beginning to feel like my normal self again, yet I still had a hard time relaxing. It helped that the place was not as bad on this dreary Sunday afternoon as it is on Saturday's and we made it through in record time. We walked out to the car and unloaded the cart, the rain dripped down on us and I felt a chill returning, I was having a hard time escaping my remorse and enjoying my time with Michael the way I usually did. The rain seemed to be soaking in to my skin and poisoning my mood.

As I drove back to his place I watched the clock miserably. As I pulled into his driveway I saw by the clock that only had about ten minutes before I had to go. We ran to his apartment and quickly began carrying all of his goodies into the entry way, the parking was full today and we had to park farther from Michael's apartment than usual. I felt that same feeling of dread I always feel when our time is up as I carried in the last box, only today, my mood and my fears were making it a thousand times more difficult. I still did not feel completely at ease, I still had some fear that Michael was going to reject me. I was afraid of what his kiss would feel like as he bent his lips to tell me good-bye, I kissed him quickly, wanting to escape the possibility that I wouldn't feel love pass between us this time. He wouldn't allow me to run so quickly though...he came back down on my mouth and forced his tongue inside...and I felt a flood of relief.

I could smell the moist leather from his jacket drifting up, filling my lungs as our tongues explored one another. His mouth felt so good over mine. It was as if he were kissing me for the first time. I let my body melt into his. I felt a renewed sense of committment and belonging to him. I wished we could suspend time and enjoy one another for hours. I still felt horrible that I had spent our time together in such a foul mood and as my lips locked with his, I was filled with a sense of forgiveness and acceptance, completeness, a sense of rightness. I could tell by the way his tongue moved against mine...the way his hand moved up my neck, the way he grabbed on to my hair, and pulled my neck back....exposing my bare shoulder for his eager bites, I could tell with every touch and caress that he forgave me and that he understood my needs, my desires. I was reminded at that moment how well he knew me, inside and out. How his eyes and mouth and cock had explored my body so many times that he had a better understanding of my desires than I. I was reminded as he worked my body like a virtuoso works a violin, that I needed to trust in him. That he alone was skilled and capable of mastering my desires, my wants, my cravings.

As his teeth continued their assault on my flesh, I moaned in complete gratification. He pulled my head back harder...farther, presenting me fully for his attention. He then moved his mouth back up, covering my lips again. Pulling me tight against him as our mouths explored and expressed our passions for one another, I could feel his hard cock pressing between us, I was grinding against him, I wanted him more at this moment than I have ever wanted him in my life! I wanted him to take me, possess me, fill me.

I reached down to undo his pants...being button fly and I uncoordinated...he helped me free his waiting cock. I caressed it with my hand, rubbing it against my stomach as his tongue moved deeper inside my mouth. He kissed me with such passion and intensity, I could feel his love for me invading every pour of my body! Then, using my hair as a lead, he forced me onto my knees and guided my mouth to his cock. I took it in my mouth and then quickly released to lick up and down the base...around his balls. Kissing and biting the inside of his thigh before moving back to the head of his cock, taking it into my mouth and moving over it, ever so gently. I wanted to please him, I wanted to suck him as he had taught me, the way he enjoyed it most. I was perched on my knees, moving over his cock. I positioned my head so that he could see my expression as I worked his cock. I knew he loved to watch me, so sweet and innocent looking up at him...sucking his cock so enthusiastically. He felt so good in my mouth and I could hear him moaning with pleasure. Just hearing him responding to my caresses made me feel relieved, feel like every thing was OK again, like I was still his slut.

He didn't let me enjoy too long before he pulled me up again. He pressed his mouth to mine again. I could feel his cock between my legs, rubbing against my pussy, the mere suggestion of his cock inside me made me crazy with desire. I kissed him harder, imagining how good it would feel to have him inside me. He spun me around toward the wall, his cock still pressing between the wet lips of my pussy, his tongue still probing my mouth. He held me tightly as he pushed me up against the wall and lifted my right leg. I was so wet with excitement, I felt the head of his cock rubbing along my wet pussy, I knew it would slid in easily. I waited eagerly as his mouth stayed firmly locked on mine. Our tongues dancing lustfully. He slid his cock inside my pussy and began moving inside me. He felt so good, he was fucking me with as much desire, passion, and love as I had ever felt. It was a different kind of penetration for me, I have rarely had sex standing, and I can't recall a single time I did it face to face. There is something about the position, the angle, the penetration, the kissing, the caressing that made it one of the most enjoyable feelings I had ever had. Michael's cock felt so good pushing in and out of my pussy, as his tongue combed my mouth. He fucked me rhythmically, never removing his lips from mine. Fucking me expertly.

I heard Michael's breathing become heavier and I knew he was getting close. I kissed him harder, begging him to cum inside me. As he made his final few thrusts and shot his cum deep inside of me I realized once more how incredible he is. Not just as my lover and my Master. But as a patient teacher and friend.